Computer Jokes

Is Wondows a virus?

  • No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
  1. They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.
  2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.
  3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.
  4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
  5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.
  • Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
  • So Windows is not a virus.
  • It’s a bug.

Great Writer

  • There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
  • When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
  • He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Car Industry vs. Computer

  • At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
    • “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon.”
  • General Motors has issued a press release stating:
  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
  4. would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  5. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  6. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car XP” or “Car 2000″. But then you would have to buy more seats.
  7. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
  8. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
  9. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  10. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
  11. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  12. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.
  13. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  14. You would press the “start ” button to shut off the engine.