Doctor Jokes

Simple Solution

  • Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
  • “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
  • “How much do you charge?”
  • “A hundred dollars per visit.”
  • “I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
  • Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever┬ácome to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
  • “For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
  • “Is that so! How?”
  • “He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Inner Peace

  • My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
  • So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
  • I feel better already.

Psychiatric Hotline

  • Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
  • If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
  • If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
  • If you are anal retentive, please hold.

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