- Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
- “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
- “How much do you charge?”
- “A hundred dollars per visit.”
- “I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
- Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
- “For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
- “Is that so! How?”
- “He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
- My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
- So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
- I feel better already.
- Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
- If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
- If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
- If you are anal retentive, please hold.