- What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Damn.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Q: What did the blonde say when she opened a box a cheerio’s?
A: Look! Doughnut seeds…
- LOL has gone from meaning “laugh out loud” to “i have nothing else to say”
- A blonde watching the news hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. She cries & says “oh my God how many is a brazilian?”
- Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Most poems rhyme
but this one doesn’t.
- A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
- Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t”.
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control
- After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
- A blonde just texted me and asked “what does idk stand for?” I said “I dont know” she said “omg! nobody does!”
- If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Q:How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:One… men will screw anything
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Whats blue and smells like red paint?
Blue Paint :p