One Liners

  • What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Damn.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I┬árealized┬áthat the lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  • Q: What did the blonde say when she opened a box a cheerio’s?
    A: Look! Doughnut seeds…
  • LOL has gone from meaning “laugh out loud” to “i have nothing else to say”
  • A blonde watching the news hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. She cries & says “oh my God how many is a brazilian?”
  • Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Most poems rhyme
    but this one doesn’t.
  • A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
  • Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t”.
    Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control
  • After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
  • A blonde just texted me and asked “what does idk stand for?” I said “I dont know” she said “omg! nobody does!”
  • The biggest and most frequent lie of my life … I have read and agreed to the terms of use.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Q:How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:One… men will screw anything
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  • God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  • We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
  • With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • Whats blue and smells like red paint?
    Blue Paint :p