Puns

  1. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
  2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  4. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
  5. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
  6. A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.
  7. Did you hear about the guy who sent ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  8. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  9. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  10. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  11. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  12. Gravity is studied a lot because it’s a very attractive field.
  13. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  15. When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.
  16. Prison walls are never built to scale.
  17. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  18. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
  19. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  20. The poet had written better poems, but he’d also written verse.
  21. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
  22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  23. You didn’t hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
  24. A backwards poet writes inverse.
  25. When chemists die, we barium.
  26. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  27. I’m inclined to be laid back.
  28. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
  29. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
  30. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  31. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
  32. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  33. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  34. John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.
  35. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
  36. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  37. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
  38. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  39. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.
  40. All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.
  41. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  42. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  43. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
  44. When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
  45. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’.
  46. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  47. I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
  48. A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.
  49. I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
  50. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was de-lighted.

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